The House Affair communique

Chris is hosting a swanky “sexy pants” party on Thursday night, to which all guests are expected to wear creative and sexy pants; the judged winner in each class (male and female) will get gold-sprayed pairs of what look like shorts for a midget.

Needless to say, I am quite excited, and am on the prowl for a pair of blood flow-halting red leather pants.

Tonight, while making preparations for the party, we decided to send out a Facebook message to remind guests that they are expected to bring items to enhance the night’s activities. After about an hour of argument, consideration, and deep, penetrative thought, we came up with the following sexually-charged message:

Hello, my faithful guests! I hope you are as excited as I am about my upcoming party. As I write this, I am confident in the quality of this gathering. Justin and I have just completed a sound check, and the volume is loud for dancing, with no impact on the neighbors! We’ve determined the ideal lighting and furniture placement, and we have snatched away all glass objects so that no amount of drunken stumbling shall break them. And, the central air conditioning is on, to counteract the hotness of so many sexy-pants.

We have erected this monument for us to come together for a night of unadulterated delight and dancing.

To lubricate our bodies for such fluid gyrations, we know that a wet bar is needed. It is presumed that all guests over 21 will contribute at least one bottle. Those under 21 are encouraged to bring food (e.g. salsa, chips, pretzels, desserts, dipping chocolate, and exotic fruits (to be used in exotic ways)).

As a responsible host, I must, of course, insist that keys be held securely overnight. If you plan on leaving, it is expected that you have a designated driver. I understand that I am responsible for anyone who leaves this house, and you will not be allowed to leave without a designated driver. Security will be on staff. I know that you will not cause any undue friction by disagreeing with this standard.

And, speaking of personal responsibility, it is your responsibility, not only to come, but to make this a party that satiates your most salacious desires.

I sincerely hope that you will not pull out of this invitation, and that you plan to rendezvous at “The House”.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me by phone or by email. My number is located on the main event page.

Your friends (with benefits),

Chris and Justin