A (very) abridged look into some recent troubles

I’ve got quite a bit on my mind. The problem is not that I haven’t had time to write it all down, but rather that, first, I haven’t had the ability to sit down and put my thoughts into words, and second, that I haven’t been managing my time in anything like an efficient manner.

My procrastination and unusual sleeping habits are once again conspiring to push me into a dark corner of stress: newspaper articles due, two papers due, ResLife issues to attend to, course selection decisions to be made… reading that I’ve left undone, reading that I’m leaving undone, reading that I will have left undone… thesis decisions and financial aid deadlines… Help Desk work and manager interviews… disappointing internship searches for the summer… In short, an entire inventory of obligations that will all come crashing down upon me in the very near future.

Looking to history, I should be confident that no matter the weight of my workload, I’ll somehow overcome and conquer it, and see, in the end, a string of dazzling (or at least competent) results. But I can’t remember a time in recent memory when so many obligations were packed so tightly together, in the span of one or two weeks. And frankly, I’m quite worried.

I haven’t been using my time at anything near its peak efficiency. I woke up at 2:00 this afternoon and it took me four hours to shower and be ready to go out for dinner. My time evaporated into the procrastination destination of Wikipedia, looking for new music, reading the news, etc. And this is representative of the past week or so. I’ve known about all these deadlines and the work, but so much of it (mainly the reading) just seems so utterly unconquerable.

Looking at an 80-page reading assignment, I’ll find it doable; but when it’s 543 pages, or 281, or some other ridiculous amount, I just kinda give up. I can’t read that much. The most I’ve ever read in a day was the majority of Uncle Tom’s Cabin, which I think was, like, 250 pages or something. And that was basically while laying in bed all day long. And so the reading piles up, and papers then look immensely more stressful, and any potentially insightful comments in class go unsaid.

Argh. I guess part of it is that I have yet to admit to myself that I’ve taken on too much; that I’ve missed the opportunity to take full advantage of the educational opportunities here at Wesleyan, because I’ve focused so much on making the money it takes to continue to be enrolled here at Wesleyan. That I don’t have enough time to get all my classwork done as I should, that I haven’t had adequate time for that activity since, well, the end of freshman year.

And add onto that the emotional fallout of various relationships, still percolating through me, not yet evaporated through the skin or filed away into neat little cabinets in my brain, or however such negativity leaves my self… and this recent inability to articulate my thoughts (witness this entry), or even to sit down and attempt to articulate them… I feel like whole sections of my mind (and to a lesser extent, my heart) are in a state of disarray.

I don’t know. Right now, I’m just not in the happiest of places. I’m overwhelmed right now with all the things I’m lacking: a summer job, ideas for my papers, a knowledge of my class readings from the past week or two… a feeling that I’ve been adequately educated… a girlfriend… love… balance… … … … sleep…

Oh, but I can tolerate even less of my whining than I imagine others can. And I’ve always been good at acknowledging the self-defeating qualities in myself. So, fuck it all. I’m going running with Jia in six hours. And after that, everything will start anew. For the better. Right? Right. (I hope.)