Almost everything about today was accompanied by an air of sadness.
I first woke up at 11 AM to a dark and grey room. Now, OK, my walls are dark grey, but I’m not talking purely about a color here. There was no sunlight to speak of; only the kind of faint smoky glow that seeps through the venetian blinds when it’s cloudy or foggy outside. It didn’t look like a very attractive day, so I put my head down and went back to sleep.
I woke up again at 2 PM and opened the blinds. It was just as I had suspected: a gloomy, grey, rainy day. Ugh.
I grabbed my PowerBook, snuggled up under the covers again, and proceeded to enjoy a day of movies. Before I left Wes, I had downloaded about 50 movies and two TV series off the Network, just for days like this. Well, I finally had a chance to enjoy all that hard drive space that had heretofore been wasting away storing useless bits of digital film.
First, I chose American Psycho. Wow. What a stunner. Movies so graphic that they make me want to turn away do not usually get my approval (think Hostel), but this was smart and intriguing. “But inside doesn’t matter.” Oh, Patrick Bateman, you’re all appearances. The whole thing reinforced my determination to never be part of the rich, corporatist, powerbroker social club.
My next pick was Clerks. I had heard so many good things about this movie. Now I’m left to question all those recommendations. I don’t get it. The dialog seemed contrived, the script felt forced, and the acting was terrible. I think I also disliked it because it features a pathetic main character that lets people stomp all over him. Pathetic characters always get me; I didn’t take well to Napoleon Dynamite for the same reason.
After that, I decided to start my foray into a new television series, Heroes. I watched the first episode, for the first time in full, and it was pretty good. It also helps that the invincible cheerleader character is really cute. I wish her role called for more cheerful appearances, because she should smile more. I also like how the nature of the psycho-mom’s “special power” was kept elusive. Right now, she’s coming off as the weakest character, though. All these other people are saving people from trainwrecks, and altering the space-time continuum, and she’s seeing her reflection on the side of a fish tank. Oh, shit, not that!
After Heroes, I had dinner. It was a really good pot roast, with mashed potatoes, carrots, gravy, and biscuits. My parents fought some, which is natural. Sometimes I wonder how much they still fight while I’m away at school; my guess is that it hasn’t abated, haha. My brother wasn’t there, which I’m still getting used to even as I’m leaving in about 36 hours. Without him in the room across the hall from me, I feel like such an only child, and I don’t like it. My dad ate much more than he should have (as always), and my mom, probably less (as always). I cleaned up and did the dishes, as always. I wonder who does the dishes when I’m at school? I wonder if my dad and my brother even eat together while I’m away? I think family dinners are so important. My kids will never get out of them when I’m a dad.
Seven o’clock rolled around and no one had made any concrete plans. I didn’t want to spend my entire day inside, so I decided to go for a ride with no particular destination—something I hadn’t done at all this break. So I took off and found myself in the middle of Brockton. Then I got on Route 27 and attempted to find out whether it intersected Route 14 or not. Dammit, it does; I have no idea how we missed it the other night. In fact, they cross twice: once in Brockton, and once in Hanson. So I took Route 14 through Hanson, and came upon 36. I took that through Halifax and Plympton, and then caught Route 106, which took me to Kingston. I ended up on Route 80, which I didn’t know existed. Then I found 3A and took it north through Duxbury, to Route 139. Having gotten a call from Chris earlier, informing me that we were going to Josh’s, I made my way over there.
Overall, it had been a good 80 minutes of contemplative driving. And most of it was well under the speed limit. I got so annoyed when I was trying to enjoy the scenery and someone’s bright headlights kept shining through my car; I must’ve pulled over a dozen times to let people pass me. Cuz damn, there are some pretty areas on the South Shore. Lots of forests and bodies of water and open fields. The only thing that spoils it is the intense orange glow on cloudy nights like tonight. The whole northern sky looks like a giant orange blanket; all the bottoms of the clouds glow with the reflected light from (what I think must be) the whole Brockton-Quincy-Boston line of cities.
Even despite my meandering journey, I reached Josh’s house before anyone else. I watched him play Full Auto until Chris, Kristina, and Marie (freshly returned from Washington, D.C.) arrived. Later, Eve came. Then, we picked up Tina; I discovered that she lives right on Ocean Bluff, and the beach is right across the street from her parents’ house.
We played a lot of air hockey, made some hot chocolate, and christened Josh’s new pots and dishware. We watched Boondock Saints. When that was over, I had to say most of my goodbyes. I’m sure I’ll see Chris and probably Josh again tomorrow, but I won’t be seeing Eve, Kristina, Tina, or Marie again until Spring Break, and possibly not even then. So that was pretty sad. What’s even more sad is that Corinne and Monique are already back at school, and Matt is still sick, so there were no goodbyes for any of them.
With goodbyes concluded, we all packed into the cars and set off. The ride home was zany, as usual (my word choice is intentional). Josh burned lots of rubber, and Eve, Chris, and I raced and played tag on the highway.
I talked to myself a lot on the ride home. I’ve been doing that a lot lately; well, I mean, I’ve been doing that for a long time. Talking to myself. Not holding conversations or anything; mostly, lecturing myself. Saying things aloud seems to help me finish my thoughts. I’ve talked before about those snippets of thought that dominate my mental processes; saying things aloud makes it evident when I’m only considering half of a thought, or not finishing some internal analysis. It makes me sure that I’m thinking something out fully. Sometimes that’s hard when it’s all silent and inside my head.
Hmm. That makes me sound a little crazy.
But whether I’m crazy or not, there’s nothing like a rainy day to bring out everything that’s been waiting to be thought about. I kick myself for it, but I thought a lot about Erica. I decided that it’s been over two months now, and I really need to put it all behind me. Dashboard Confessional said it perfectly in “In a Big Country”:
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can’t stay here with every single hope you had, shattered
I can’t stay here. I can’t let it eat me up anymore. Now that it’s all over, I mean, what else is there to do? It’s another chapter of my life behind me, I guess. I just wish it weren’t such a challenge to flip that page and start writing on the next. But I have to pick up that pen and start putting some words down on that page.
Driving up Lincoln Street, past Erica’s house but before the cop sitting on Hancock Street, it came to me. This break was so good. I didn’t do everything I’d wanted, and it could hardly be called productive, but it showed me that new opportunities arise, and there are plenty of them out there. It reminded me of how cool people outside my usual groups of friends can be. It made me feel really good. So I want to say, thank you so much to everyone I’ve seen over break. You all are amazing, and have made being home so much fun. After breaking up with Erica, being home had the potential to suck a lot (minus, of course, Chris), but it’s like I’ve been rescued by this phenomenal group of people. I’ve had a shitload of fun, and wish it could continue uninterrupted.
And that moment, right there, was about the only part of today not tinged with a bit of sadness.
EDIT (5:23 AM): I have yet to go to bed, so that is why I spoke of everything happening today. By the clock, the today of which I speak is really yesterday, January 14.
